Confession

Well, people, I am going to come clean. I’ve been harboring bitterness lately. I’ve been an angry, judgmental, confused mess. And no matter who or what I confessed to, how often I’ve prayed forgiveness, or tried to just move on, my angry, judgmental heart has stuck with me. So, after exhausting all my efforts, I decided to dig in to scripture to see what I was really dealing with (I know, I know. I should have started there). The word “bitter” is mentioned 46 times in the Bible. Four of those times are in the book of Job.

If you’ve never read the book of Job, the basic summary is this: Job is an upstanding servant of Jehovah. He’s a wealthy civic leader with a whole passel of kids (he sounds a lot Michelle Bachman, now that I think about it). Satan comes to God,  and God brags about him to Satan. Satan counters with “He only serves you for the stuff.” God says, “Fine, then. Take away his stuff and see what happens.” So Satan takes away all Job’s stuff: his kids, his wealth, his health. He loses his reputation when friends come over and tell him he must be in sin, or God wouldn’t be punishing him.

Job is often held up as a model for a patient sufferer because he never curses God or anything. I don’t want to minimize that in any way, but there is a telling verse in Job’s last speech. Job has reached the end of his tether with his friends, and he says:

“As God lives, who has taken away my right,
and the Almighty, who has made my soul bitter,
as long as there is breath in me,
and the spirit of God is in my nostrils,
my lips will not speak falsehood,
and my tongue will not utter deceit.”

                The part that stuck out to me was: God has taken away my right. What?! His right? He has no “right.” God gave him everything he had as a blessing (Job says that himself Job 1:21). This whole passage is dripping with disappointment and anger at God. And he blames God for his bitterness. This statement reveals Job’s heart attitude toward the Lord. Job thought that God had blessed him because Job was good, not because God is. He claims that his anger at God is the result of God’s sin. Not his. He thinks God is unjust, capricious, and mean.

                Sounds a lot like me.

                Then God shows up and says: “Just who do you think you are, Job? I am God, and I can do what I want. Tell me to my face, just where do you think I have screwed up?” And Job can’t answer him. Neither can I.

                Now, it’s not like Job went from being completely humble before his God and developed pride through his trials. All that he went through just revealed that deep down, Job had never really believed that God was good. Job thought he had earned his blessings, and he loved the God that recognized his goodness and rewarded it by giving him stuff. Satan was right.

                Job’s sinful beliefs were not a surprise to God. God allowed Satan to do all this, so Job would see what he really believed at the core. At the end of the book Job repents. When God again blesses him with children, wealth, and prestige, I think he was better able to enjoy them freely.  He knew them now for what they were: presents from a good Daddy who loved him. There were not wages that could be docked. Oswald Chambers used to refer to himself as “the Lord’s spoilt bairn.” I like that. We are God’s spoiled children.

                What I learned from all of this is that ultimately, my bitterness reveals nothing about my situation. But it reveals a lot about my heart. Getting mad at God is stupid. Jesus, I want to repent. You loved me so much that you came to earth to die for me. You have promised that You will always be with me. I am sorry that I demanded more from You than Your all. And thank You, that in spite of my sin I still know that we are okay because my acceptance isn't based on my goodness but yours. While my affection for you may wax and wane, your affection for me is a constant. I am forgiven. I am loved. I am chosen. I am Your own little princess.